Situation-Impact-Request

Why This Is a Rule

This structure — derived from Situation-Behavior-Impact feedback models and Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication — prevents the two communication patterns that kill boundary conversations: character judgments ("You're so inconsiderate") and vague wishes ("I wish you'd be more respectful"). Character judgments trigger defense; vague wishes provide nothing actionable.

Non-judgmental description ("When meetings run past the scheduled end time...") describes what happened without evaluating the person. Compare: "When you selfishly hog meeting time..." — same situation, character judgment attached. The judgment triggers defense; the description enables listening. Impact using 'I' language ("...I lose the focused time I need for deep work") owns the impact as yours rather than attributing blame. Compare: "...you ruin my afternoon" — same impact, blame attached. Specific behavioral request ("Could we commit to ending within 5 minutes of scheduled time?") gives the other person a concrete action they can take. Compare: "Be more considerate of my time" — vague, evaluative, and unactionable.

When This Fires

• When communicating any interpersonal boundary
• When feedback conversations tend to escalate into defensiveness
• When you want to address a behavior without damaging the relationship
• Complements Acknowledge, boundary, alternative — this three-part… (acknowledge-boundary-alternative) and Use 'I think/want/believe' in relationship disagreements… (I-positions) with the specific linguistic structure

Common Failure Mode

Leading with judgment or wish: "You always schedule over my deep work time" (judgment + absolute). This ensures defensive response before the conversation begins. The three-component structure starts with shared reality (what happened), moves to personal impact (owned, not blamed), and ends with actionable request (something they can do differently).

The Protocol

(1) Situation (non-judgmental): describe the observable behavior or pattern without evaluation. "When [specific, observable event/pattern]..." — no "always," "never," character labels, or motives. (2) Impact (I-language): describe the effect on you, owned as your experience. "I [feel/lose/experience]..." — not "you make me..." or "you cause..." (3) Request (specific + behavioral): state what you'd like to happen, in terms the other person can act on. "Would you be willing to [specific action]?" — not "be more X" but "do Y." (4) Full example: "When our 1:1s extend past the scheduled time [situation], I lose the preparation time I need for my afternoon commitments [impact]. Could we set a timer at the 5-minute-before mark so we can wrap up on time? [request]"